Psychotherapy, counseling, or coaching can be powerful experiences for children and teens who are avoiding school and are certainly recommended. Working with a provider or researching stress management strategies can be helpful. However, wait lists for a provider are often long. Below are some ideas to hopefully help parents and their children when dealing with school avoidance.
While school avoidance can be present in an oppositional teen, it is often the result of anxiety. While we commonly think of separation anxiety as that 5-year-old who appears to be glued to mom or dad’s leg and won’t go into the school building or let parents get to work, older children and teens experience separation anxiety when asked to move from a location or situation that is comfortable or comforting to one that holds the potential for an increase in distress. Since the onset of the pandemic, many adults and teens have found it harder to leave the house or participate in community events. We all worked so hard to build a comfort zone during distance learning or remote work that it has been hard to return to the activities we enjoyed previously!
If you are seeing strong school avoidance with your child or teen, here are some things that might help.
Viewing School Avoidance as Anxiety, Not Defiance
It is important for parents and teachers to understand that school avoidance is not necessarily an act of defiance as much as an attempt to cope with distress (even if doing so complicates and increases anxiety). Just reframing the behavior (avoidance) as an attempt to manage, rather than as oppositional, lazy, defiant, etc., can make a huge difference in how we communicate about the problem (and avoidance IS a problem).
Understanding the Short-Term Relief and Long-Term Cost of Avoidance
It is crucial for the person avoiding school or activities to see that initial avoidance provides initial relief but ultimately creates far greater challenges. Many young people use language about “current self” and “future self.” This is a classic example of helping the “current self” but punishing the “future self,” with the “future self” potentially facing dire consequences.
Use School as a “Laboratory” to Build Resilience and Reduce Anxiety
While anxiety is unpleasant and unwelcome, it may be helpful to frame school/task avoidance as a laboratory in which the student can learn skills, stress tolerance, and ultimately see that they can overcome the stressor rather than submit to suffering from anxiety. This mindset shift removes the stressor as something to be avoided and instead frames the assignment, school, social interactions, etc., as opportunities to develop the skills that will ultimately help them experience reduced anxiety. “Anxiety stinks – this is your way to kill it and take away its power. And not just anxiety about school, anxiety about everything!” The immediate goal is to reduce school anxiety, but the skills developed cross multiple domains of functioning (home, school, work settings, relationships). Working in the laboratory reduces overall distress (not just about going to school).
Take a Stepwise, Reinforcement-Based Approach to School Return
Because avoidance is a well-learned and practiced anxiety-maintenance strategy, it will be important to use a stepwise approach with gradual increases in task completion, school attendance, and other areas. It’s like helping a child with potty training or learning any other developmental task. By “catching” them doing something right and celebrating it (rewarding them), we directed them to preferred behaviors. When we see that school avoidance is a sign of distress, we can “celebrate” small steps rather than focus on punishment for not taking them. Carrots (positive reinforcement) change behavior faster than sticks!
Build Confidence Through Effort, Not Perfection
By repeating steps in a manageable way and rewarding the courage and resilience they demonstrate, children and teens can develop a greater sense of control and confidence in their ability to manage and tolerate stressful situations. Initially, we may need to be mindful to reward effort even when attempts don’t always lead to the desired end goal. Doing so allows for honest discussions about how perfection is rarely attainable in life, so why would we try to measure ourselves against it? If our kids learn that perfection is unattainable and that consistent effort is the goal, they will have learned a valuable life lesson!
Expect Progress to Be Nonlinear
“Success” is unlikely to be linear – there will be steps forward AND backward. But if we work towards 2-3 steps forward and allow for grace when there is a step backward, we CAN REACH THE GOAL!
Temporary Support Can Yield Longterm Growth
Supportive accommodations may help with school attendance, but it should be clear that they are temporary. They won’t be needed as stress tolerance improves. In fact, the opportunity to gradually remove supports (without an increase in distress) is itself a cause for celebration!
Metaphors Can Be Powerful!
Finding a metaphor for the challenges faced can support communication between students, parents, teachers, and mental health professionals. If there is a specific challenge faced by a literary character, an anime storyline, etc., that your child enjoys, you can use it to illustrate the universal nature of their difficulty and lighten the discussion. It also provides a “name” for the distress they experience without always discussing school. If they love The Lord of the Rings, have them discuss the challenges the characters faced as they confronted their fears. Instead of constantly referring to getting ready for school, you may say, “Bilbo, it’s time to get up because you know you have to leave the Shire”. If there is a failure to meet a goal (step backwards), a lighthearted reference to “You carry a heavy burden, Frodo. Don’t carry the weight of the dead” serves as a reminder that focusing on the recent mistake or loss only increases our burden and will cause us to fail again. Anime is filled with stories about people facing fear or sadness and heroic efforts to overcome them. Having your child tell you the story of a character or movie that is meaningful to them helps you develop ways to discuss the path before them in a way that can be powerful as they write their own story of courage and resilience.
If your child struggles to identify a character or storyline, I find this metaphor helpful (especially for teens who enjoy weightlifting or other forms of exercise to manage stress). Weight-resistance exercises provide a clear metaphor for the work of limiting avoidance. Specifically, as we grow stronger, we increase the weight lifted to continue building muscle. The weight (school assignments/school attendance) is never viewed as the “problem,” but rather the tool needed to build muscle. As your child has success in stress management and distress tolerance, they can welcome “lifting” more with reduced accommodations. It’s a sign of strength!
Use Behavioral Contracts to Increase Accountability and Motivation
Along with working on cognitive and behavioral stress management strategies that can be applied “in the moment” when stress rises, many teens also benefit from behavioral contracting that provides clearly defined goals for their behavior (completing 75% of homework assignments in the calendar week, attending school for at least 50% of the scheduled time), a coping plan to meet the requirements, and clear rewards for effort and successful task completion. Remember: reward early and often at first, then increase the duration or requirements before rewards are earned. Rewards solely for effort can be reduced as task completion becomes more common, though ongoing discussions about effort will remain important. The fact that none of us can control EVERYTHING in our lives means that consistently applied effort CAN BE ENOUGH (to limit the negative impacts of perfectionism).
Contracts Can Help Develop a Sense of Control
A concrete behavioral contract helps children to internalize that they can be in control of their lives. While they can’t control everything, they can control (be responsible) for their choices and behavior. This reduces the sense that mistakes made or failure to earn rewards is “unfair,” or that parents, teachers, schools, work supervisors, etc., are at fault for their choices. While this may provide some challenge initially, learning that our choices and behavior are under our control ultimately serves to lessen anxiety. When mistakes occur, they can be an opportunity to discuss giving ourselves grace.
Strengthening Family Connection Through Shared Challenges
While school avoidance is challenging, it can provide an opportunity for increased communication and connection in families. Parents can also share the challenges they face. Doing so can help normalize stress and show their child that everyone faces similar challenges. This helps them see that the primary tasks of “adulting” often involve navigating challenges and emotions rather than trying to convince ourselves that challenges are unusual, unfair, or should be avoided.